iCan't Even Cry
by mam27
Summary: Melanie is back in Seattle to visit her mother and sister. Pam forces Sam to come home from LA to spend the summer with them in Seattle. Something terrible happens to Sam, and Freddie helps her get through it…well….he TRIES to help… ANGSTY, MULTI-CHAP SEDDIE! Please R&R! :)
1. I Hate Mornings

**CHAPTER 1: iHate mornings**

 **SAM'S POV:**

… **.**

I sighed and rolled over in bed, trying to grab my phone and make it stop ringing. Whoever was calling me this early was going to get it! If they were important enough to have my phone number, they should know that mama doesn't wake up before noon, especially on Sundays.

I checked the time. It was almost noon, so I might as well get up now. I grabbed my phone, which had stopped ringing by now, and headed to the kitchen. My roommate, Cat, was humming while she prepared some eggs for breakfast.

"Gooooooood Morning, Sam!" she sung. I rolled my eyes; how was she so chirpy and nice all the time! Nice nauseates me, but just like with Carly, my best friend, I had grown accustomed to Cat's constant optimistic attitude towards life and everything in it…even, ugghh….mornings.

I sighed; I worried about these two girls…..worried about the time when they'd realize that the real world wasn't all rainbows and sunshine like they had thought it was, unlike the tiny little world they had been living in up till now.

"Mornin" I greeted, unenthusiastically; it was _a_ morning, not a good one; Sam Puckett does not like mornings! I walked over to the fridge and pulled out a packet of bacon. I emptied the contents of the plastic bag into a frying pan and let the smell of good ole bacon, frying, fill the apartment, as I headed off into the washroom(I'd be back in a sec and Cat would watch my bacon for me while I was gone).

I piled my bacon onto a plate and sat down to eat. After hungrily and greedily eating all the bacon on my plate, earning a few giggles from Cat, and wiping my mouth, on my sleeve, I decided to check who had been calling me. It was my mom. I hadn't spoken to her in a long time, but she did text me once a month or so, to ask how I was doing (those therapy sessions Carly had forced us to take had made her show at least a bit of concern for me). She never really called unless it was important or if she needed to talk about her new boyfriend….or if she was drunk (She was _trying_ to be a better mother…I didn't say she was competent)

Cat picked up our plates and took them over to the sink to wash. She washed all our dishes….not because I was lazy…okay I was….but mostly because she enjoyed playing with liquid dishwashing soap. Sometimes I wonder… if you combined a Gibby and a Carly, would you get a Cat?

I sighed and decided to call my mother, back, as Cat continued singing to herself while she washed the dishes.

"SAMMYYY!" Woah….she's _never_ this happy...

"Hey, Mom"

"Kid, You won't believe who just came back to Seattle, last night! Guess who!"

"who?..." I played along, though I was thoroughly uninterested….it was probably just one of her desirable ex's, by desirable I mean one of the few that actually broke up with _her_ and wasn't dumped by her a week into the relationship.

"MELANIE!"

"Mel's back in Seattle?"

"Yup! Your sister surprised me last night by showing up outside our door. She's staying in Seattle for the summer! Isn't that great?!" My mother was practically screaming into the phone with excitement, very uncharacteristically.

"Joy." I said, completely monotone; my statement dripping with sarcasm, as I ended the call abruptly.

I couldn't care less if Mel had suddenly remembered that she had a family in Seattle and decided to leave her prissy boarding school alone for one summer; I hadn't seen her much after our 7th birthday, when she left for her boarding school, leaving me alone with our drunkard mother. There was no need to start believing the promises I knew she'd make again about visiting more often. There was no need to get excited if she wanted to visit every now and then; no need to get attached to her, she'd be leaving again in 2 months.

They always lied. They always left.

Last time she came, 3 years ago, I stayed over at Carly's for a couple of days so I wouldn't have to put up with her. I even allowed Freddie to believe that she didn't exist; I never wanted to tell him in the first place that she did. Mel looked like me, but she was nothing like me. She was kind, intelligent, charming, lovable, knew how to carry herself and had a goal in life. She was going places. She was absolutely, without a doubt, simply, perfect. Perfect.

And I hated that.

I knew if Freddie knew she was real, he would've forgotten all about his precious Carly, his one true love, and me, and fallen head over heals for Mel, a trait she got from our mother: being irresistible to the male species and often breaking hearts due to the power she had over them. Don't get me wrong, no matter how much I might hate her for leaving me, I can't _really_ hate her: she's my sister and she's not a bad person; she doesn't intentionally break hearts, it just happens. She's a bit like Carly in that sense. They were both boy-crazy (a new crush every week or so) and have had so many boyfriends in the past that I've lost count, but, most of their relationships lasted less than a month and the longest relationship either has had lasted less than 3 months. They easily confused infatuation with love, got in a relationship and then realized they weren't really in love with the poor guy. Knowing Freddie's past of falling for girly, prissy, kind, 'perfect', girls, I knew he'd be Mel's next, unintentional, victim, which is why I didn't want him to know about her.

I might have also wanted him for myself….

Ha. Look where that got me…I did get him eventually, but we broke up and he went back to pining over Carly….not that I cared. Sam Puckett is no weakling, him leaving me for my best friend wasn't going to hurt me. Nothing can hurt me. I might have cried when I was alone, but I didn't let him or Carly see, and if they can't see me being weak, they can't prove it. .is. _not_. weak.

I tried my best to not even think of him anymore. The last time I saw him was when I saved his life from those flesh-eating, Kansas Razor-back, tuna fish. I got so caught up in the moment, with Cat using him to make me jealous and his life being in danger, that I let my stupid feelings cloud my judgment and I asked him if he wanted to hangout after he got out of the hospital. When he got better and I realized my mistake, I avoided him like the plague. He tried calling, texting and even showing up at mine and Cat's apartment, but, I always had some excuse ready to not hangout that day. Eventually, after 3 days, his crazy mother hauled him back to Seattle.

My phone began to ring again, bringing me out of my thoughts. I rolled my eyes and answered the call.

"Why'd you hang up, huh?!" She spat, venomously, "I was talking to you!" My mother's happy state had been short lived; the smallest of incidents could easily tick her off.

"Sorry, Mom" I said, unaffected by her anger; this was normal for us. "Line must have dropped", I lied effortlessly.

"Oh…Well….whatever…Mel just wanted to say that she misses you and wants you to visit while she's here for the summer….so get your butt back in Seattle by tomorrow."

She hung up. I could've easily ignored her demand and went on spending my summer babysitting kids with Cat, but, no matter how independent and rebellious I was, I couldn't disobey my mother, especially on something that meant so much to her: spending time with Mel.

Despite the fact that my mother had anger issues, neglected me, didn't care much for me as a child, was constantly drunk or with her boyfriend, I still loved her; even though we didn't seem to get along. We had a sort of love-hate thing going on, and even though we didn't interfere much in each other's lives, deep down, on some level, we both loved and cared for each other deeply. We had even told each other that, and even though the next day we just went back to our routine-bickering, deep down we both knew that the arguing and tough-love was only on the surface, and bellow that was love. Pure, unadulterated,love.

They all left or lied…..they all tried to break down my walls and then break my heart. Maybe they got some sort of sick thrill out of breaking someone as 'strong' as Sam Puckett…

Whatever the case was, my mother hadn't left, nor had she lied to me; and _that_ was the reason I loved her unconditionally and despite all her flaws.

She was the ONLY one who got close enough to break me….but hadn't.

I guess I'm going back to Seattle.

Joy.


	2. Home?

**CHAPTER 2: home?**

 **SAM'S POV:**

… **.**

I was going home.

I was going home for the first time since Carly left. I had left Seattle more than a year ago, on the same night that Carly had. I had contemplated whether leaving like this was the right thing to do, but then I remembered that there really was nothing left for me in 'sister' was never home and although my mother had improved her attitude towards me….let's just say, things at 'home' weren't really the best. Anyways, my real home and real family had always been at the Bushwell: Carly and Spencer.

Carly is more than just my best friend. She was my sister, the one I'd gossip with and fangirl with, the one that stood by me no matter what and the one I'd share all my secrets with….well, _almost_ all my secrets….

She was also the _real_ motherly figure in my life. She kept me safe and out of trouble, scolded me when I did something wrong, always looked out for me and was always the responsible one, without whom I'd have ended up in jail by now. She was also the only one who realized that Sam Puckett was not as strong as she pretended to be. I may be physically strong and very capable of defending myself and those around me, like Carly; but, Carly was always the one that guarded my heart.

So, yes, I do have a biological mother and sister, but, my _real_ sister is the one that never judged me and my _real_ mother is the one that accepted me for me and _CHOSE_ to spend her time with me, wasn't forced to. Carly: I can't even begin to explain how much she means to me. She's my best friend, sister, mother: my entire family, wrapped in one; and so even if she ever does act a bit bratty or spoilt, when she rarely doesn't get what she wants, or….makes a few mistakes, I'd always forgive her and over look her very few flaws.

Then there was Spencer. Good old Spence. He wasn't just Carly's goofy elder brother and guardian who had the ability to set things on fire just by coming into contact with them, he was also my friend and just as much as much as _my_ goofy older brother, as he was Carly's. He never failed to make me laugh and was the one who cheered me up after….after….when I was at my weakest; a state of my I didn't even allow Carly to see. He gave me a home, a _real_ home, with all the love, care, attention and ham that was absent from my own 'home'. He was also the only father-figure in both mine and….and Freddie's life.

Seattle would always be the same. It would always be cold, dark and rainy. My old beaten down house would always be there. The Bushwell Plaza and Ridgeway highschool, the two places I spent the most treasured moments in life at, would always be there; but without Carly, Seattle would never be _home_ , again.

Sure my other friends would always be there. Spence, the Gibster, and...the nub, would always be there, but without Carly, none of these people would really spend that much time with me. I can't blame them: mama is too hot to handle. I'm sure the only reason Gibby and Freddie ever became my friends was because I was a part of the 'Carly-Shay-Friendship-package-deal'; they knew if they were to be friends with Carly, they'd have to put up with me too.

I know if I ever needed him or asked to stay with him, Spence would _never_ say no, but it just wouldn't be right without Carls.

So when Cat asked me why I wasn't excited to go home, after she was done helping me pack my bags and calling her nona to come stay with her for the summer, I answered her question with another question: "Is Seattle _really_ home?"

The next day, Cat, my live alarm clock, jumped on me, to wake me up before sunrise. I wanted to head out early and had told her to wake me up early, myself, but that didn't stop me from chasing her around the house with a hairbrush for 15 minutes; before I saw that she already had my precious bacon fried and plated for me. I ate my breakfast, hugged Cat goodbye, and got on my dream motorcycle(a gift from Spence), riding my way to Seattle, into the sunrise.

I was on my way to Seattle, what had once been my home.


End file.
